Untouchable
by charisma5
Summary: Buffy is lying in Spike's arms and as she contemplates their relationship, her worst fear comes to pass. Short and angsty. *DD award winner*


Untouchable  
  
By: charisma  
  
Summary: Buffy is lying in Spike's arms, and she contemplates their relationship, and her worst fear comes to pass. Timeline unknown.  
  
Disclaimer: So I go and try to meet Joss at his house, right, and then suddenly I'm surrounded by all these cops, telling me to back away from the house. What's up with that? It turns out that the prick put a restraining order on me, making some ridiculous claims that I'm stalking him, you know, searching through his garbage and spying on him. Sorry, Joss, but that doesn't constitute stalking to me, it constitutes a healthy relationship, dammit.  
  
Feedback: I am what is considered a feedback slut. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere. So, give it to me, baby, and give it to me good :)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm tired of unhappy ever after endings. I'm tired of make believe heroes. I'm tired of waking up here. I'm tired of loving you.'  
  
~*~*~*  
  
His love is Death, and his smile is Sin. And all I want to do is eat that smile up, and embrace his love. It's sick and twisted, but at the same time so poetically beautiful, and my heart aches as I realize that he has me tight in his silky web, but I never want him to let me go.  
  
He lies slumbering beside me, face placid as the light from the melting candles dance across it. Almost perfection, except for that small scar on his eyebrow that marrs his divinity. But that scar is what makes him more human, it's the crossed line that lets me know that he isn't perfect after all. I can only see the top of his chest peeking out from under the soft covers, and I long to run my hands over that velvety mass, feel his muscles quivering under my heated touch as I slowly tease him. See him give me that small, sweet smile I've only ever seen when we're alone, the smile I could see him wear forever and still be awed every time I look upon it. I'm addicted to him, my personal forbidden lover, my happy drug that makes me disappear over the vast horizons and never look back at what I'm leaving behind, and what I'm doing that's wrong, and bad.  
  
But the real reason I keep coming back is because I love him so much.  
  
Even when he's inside me, filling me to the brim with that delicious coldness that is essentially him, it's still never close enough. I want to be inside his very essence, be apart of him, latch on to his blood and ride through his body forever. I can never find peace, always wanting to delve deeper, always wanting him to press harder and hold me tighter, because I want us to become one, our hearts merging and our love combining into a single entity. He senses my desperation, but he knows that what I want is unachievable, impossible for two lovers such as him and I. There is this invisible barrier that separates us, Vampire and Slayer, and that line can't be broken. We can bend and twist all we want but the limitations always surround us, thick in our minds, suffocating what sense we have left as we try to grip onto a reality that rings true in our dimension, in our meager world.  
  
I want to wake him up so he can soothe my pain, appease my worries and tell me that our relationship is as strong as it could possibly be. But I don't, because I know he would be lying. He can never grant my supernatural wish, although I'm sure he would try for me. Even his smile wouldn't fool me now, and I know that he feels the same way about what we have. It's like something is holding me back from becoming all that he is, and that something haunts me everywhere I go, even in my dreams. It laughs at my pain, licks it lips as it sips our unease and worry, occasionally drinking in huge gulps on the days I feel particularly hopeless. Thriving on the blackness that resides in our hearts, it eats away at me a little more each day, until I finally become empty once more. He's scared of this day, fearing that he'll lose me forever.  
  
And he will.  
  
The realization hits me as strong as the salty tang of sweat, the liquid sweetness of thick honey. Almost inevitable, soon we both will fade away into that syrupy blackness that all who are lost find themselves, because our love isn't strong enough to sustain us. I always believed it would, but love can't endure everything. Love does actually fade away, and it doesn't last forever. Those are only lies that twist around us, tendrils sneaking into our hearts and blinding all that allow us to truly see things for what they are. It's perverse in the way it tricks you, false truths residing in a bitter heart. I love him, and he loves me, but Fate decided to pay us a little visit, and our bliss ended as soon as it had started. Now we grab for scraps, desperate to hold on to all that we share, all the love brimming for each other stored away as memories for later viewing. The party will end soon, abruptly, and I'll remember bittersweet kisses and lost happiness. With regret and a seething anger, I'll wish for us to come back to this time alone, when we were content with just lying beside each other.  
  
I look at him closely, memorizing every singe detail that I know I'll want for later. My heart screams in rebellious rage, but the heart has no say in the story of life. The heart plays a small role, a role that people know about but care nothing for. Instead that barrier puts a deeper wedge between us, and mentally he's already further away. It's like he senses it in his sleep, and with a start his deep blue eyes open, and I feel like a fissure is cracking open my heart. He just looks at me, eyes sad and bitter, and than he frowns gently. He reaches up a cool hand and I close my eyes as I anticipate his treasured touch. But I'm surprised when his hand instead wipes away hot tears, ones I didn't even know were there. I blink open my eyes, a fresh flood spills over, searing and unwanted. I let out a short sob, body wracking with unbidden shivers, and he just wraps his arms around my naked torso, head buried in the crook of my neck. My tears fall freely as I wrap my own arms around his strong body, holding him as tight as I can. He doesn't protest, even though he must be uncomfortable. He never denies me, or refuses my wishes.  
  
"Why do you cry?" he asks me, voice slightly muffled by my pulsing neck. I feel like I'm burning, a murdering heat running through my body, and I feel weak and drained, and so tired. I sigh once, deep and heavy, as though the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders. Which, it almost is. My burden is as heavy as any others, maybe more so because I'm destined to be apart from him. A life solitary and closed off, heart shut down and cold. The thought of being simply apart from him makes my breathing come out in desperate gulps, my heart hammer furiously in my chest. I can't do this, I can't ever stop loving him, but I know that soon I will. Soon I won't crave him anymore, and he won't crave me. Our essence sucked into the very mouth of Death, our bodies simply working to sustain us physically. I sigh once more, and I feel a cold tear touch my own neck. He is crying too, because he feels all that I do. But he isn't prepared to let it go. Little does he know that he will simply have to.  
  
"Because," I answer him slowly, no further explanation, and he understands the million meanings I'm conveying. He knows what I'm saying, because he knows me better than I do. He just refuses to believe that I can't be with him for much longer. Silly boy. Fate doesn't wait for someone to be ready, and it comes unexpected and at the worst possible time. And he nods against my skin, tingles shooting down my spine. But something's missing, something that I've grown accustomed too. I can't figure it out, but I feel empty almost, my heart unemotional.  
  
With a terrified start, I realize that it has happened. Oh god, no, not so soon. Please, just give us some more time. But my fear has come to pass, and he raises his head to look at me, and I know he feels it too. His eyes grow huge, and his tears fall faster, almost as fast as my own. He grips me tighter, but it doesn't make the emptiness go away, doesn't make the blackness disappear. I clutch at him in terror, brain numb and scared. I can't do this, can't ever stop needing him. But I already stop craving him, almost instantly. Almost together, we pull away at each other in utter repulse. He is now enemy again, our short blessing over and the reality of our decision setting in. I don't love him, and he doesn't love me. I should feel heart-broken, but I don't. I feel cool and detached, unemotional and bored. Somewhere, I scream in protest, scream that this is only because of that invisible barrier, that ultimate punishment for loving each other.  
  
But I ignore it.  
  
We were made to love each other, but destined to break each other's hearts. Our love was never meant to be. And yes, I am slightly saddened, but I just get out of the bed and pull on my clothes, he watching me with confusion and detachment. I look at him only once, wiping away the last of my drying tears. It's over. Our love is over, and I know that I'll never love truly again. I can't be with the only person that I should be with, because of the distinctive difference between us.  
  
I cry, but only on the inside. He'll never see my tears, and all my pain is hidden, tightly locked away. Now, my heart has become untouchable.  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
